sleep for a while and speak no words

I present you with a list of some things that I have learnt about Australians and Australia since arriving in Australia:

1) Absolutely no one seems to be able to drive probably. No matter what, night or day, whether you're walking down the street or simply lying in bed, you will hear/see a car zoom past and then the shrill, shrill noise of those ever-screeching brakes. Think bandits with ripped tea-towels-masquerading-as-bandanas standing and shrieking through sunroofs and out of windows as paint-less cars go vroom vroom vrooming at inhuman speeds leaving behind a mini-sandstorm.

2) The streets aren't lit at night; I'm from London, the very idea of this is so stupid it's obscene to me. Maybe I'm too quick to suspect anyone who walks past me of a life of crime, but demz de wayz i wos raiized. Just the other night I was admiring a pair of criminally overpriced ankle-boots in a shop window when from the shadows a lurking-lairy drunkard appeared both shouting and scaring me, simultaneously.

3) They don't sell pickle; there is certainly a wide array of chutney and no shortage of ketchup, just no Branston or Branston-replica. This is much more Josh's qualm than mine, but I'm sure they sell Vegemite in Tescos these days, where's the love?

4) The television is terrible; so bad in fact that I've resorted to buying a British IP address so I can get my fill of Jonathan Ross et al on iPlayer. I hadn't watched Eastenders properly since the days of Steve Owen (we're talking 2002 here), but now I'm behaving like an obsessed fanatic. I tried to like Australian television, I really did. I thought I could grow to like 'So you think you can dance, Australia?', but it's presented by Izzy from Neighbours (you know the one with perma-flaired nostrils) for god-sake.

Then there was the commercial for a wonder hoover, which then became a lengthy film, this is something I just can't tolerate.

5) Healthcare isn't free; forgive my ignorance, but for a long time I had assumed Australia was of the having a National Health Service school. I was ill-informed and wrong. See my previous post for my tale. Throughout my encounter with the doctor he kept on asking me questions along the lines of "do you have job?", "does your boyfriend have a job?", "when did you last have a job?" etc. I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOU TO PRETEND YOU KNOW WHAT IS WRONG ME AND I HAVE THE MONEY TO GIVE YOU. OK!